


You Don't Have To Go

by hexmaniacchoco



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Dean Needs to Use Actual Words, Dean indirectly uses his words, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Castiel, Post-Episode: s12e19 The Future, Song Lyrics, author isn't sure, he's not actually in this but he's mentioned a lot, kind of, kind of?, probably, the author tried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 19:11:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10883151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hexmaniacchoco/pseuds/hexmaniacchoco
Summary: It's a few hours after Cas and Kelly left Dean and Sam, and he decides to resume listening to the mixtape Dean had given him.





	You Don't Have To Go

Cas and Kelly had been riding in silence together for some time now. They were driving through a small town a few hours from where they’d left Sam and Dean lying unconscious near the portal to Heaven. Cas readjusted his grip on the wheel and held back a sigh. When he’d put them both to sleep then, he’d felt a calm sureness in his actions, and he still did now. But it was frustrating. He wanted them to trust him.  
  
He knew there was much he’d been wrong about in the past, a lot he had to regret, but this time was different. Sam and Dean hadn’t been there when Kelly told him what her baby had shown her about the events that would--and did--unfold at the playground. They hadn’t been there when she told him that her baby had chosen _him_ \--not Dagon or any other demon, and not Lucifer, his own father--but _him_ as the one to protect him and raise him. They hadn’t seen what he had showed him, the future he showed as in store for them all, as he gave him the strength to kill Dagon.  
  
He knew they were frightened of the nephilim's power. He had been too, before he came to understand what it really was and why it not only had to be born, but also retain that power. It became clear then at the playground that they wouldn’t listen, that they’d continue to insist on their plan to extract its grace. They might have been awestruck at how effortlessly he had dealt with a prince of Hell using the abilities given him, but there was plenty of fear too. That’s why he had to knock them out and leave them there. He wasn’t left any other choice. They’d understand once the baby was born. He was sure of it. Until then, he needed to keep it and Kelly away from them.  
  
Still, despite his confidence, there was a part of him that wanted to go back, to try and explain what he saw anyway, and convince them to have faith. He was surprised he hadn’t already--surprised at his own sense of relative peace with his decision. He wondered offhand if maybe it was the nephilim creating this feeling within him, to assure himself that Cas wouldn’t feel guilty enough to return to them, possibly giving them the chance to enact their plans.  
  
Cas understood that this situation would likely be very hard on them both, but especially Dean. He thought back to their conversation in Dean’s room, before he’d stolen the colt. There were quite a few emotions in Dean’s voice when he told Cas to not just disappear on them like he had. Anger was the prominent one, but it had easily given way to worry, fear, relief, and… something he didn’t want to think about right then. Not when he had to leave them yet again in this fashion. Not when he had to leave Dean. No. He would ignore those thoughts and hold onto his resolve because he was sure beyond all doubt that this time, it really was the right thing to do.  
  
The light up ahead turned yellow and Cas slowed his truck, coming to a stop shortly after it turned red. Resting his foot on the brake, he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the mixtape Dean had given him. That he’d gifted to him. Some music seemed like it would be a good distraction, and in a way it was like having a part of Dean with him. He held it up and studied it idly, not really looking at its features so much as thinking about its significance.  
  
Kelly noticed this and gave it a curious look as well. “What’s that?” she asked.  
  
“It’s a cassette that Dean gave to me. It has his favorite Led Zeppelin songs on it,” Cas answered her, turning the tape in his hands.  
  
“Oh… I see,” she replied, quieter, and a little sympathetic.   
  
Cas started inserting it into the truck’s tape deck and then paused, turning slightly to look at Kelly. “Do you mind if I…?” he asked.  
  
She shook her head quickly. “No, no, not at all. Go right ahead,” she said, waving her hand at the tape.  
  
Cas pushed the cassette in and hit play. He had already started listening to it before attempting to return it to Dean, and had simply stopped it toward the end of one of the songs. Once the tape started playing again, it resumed directly from where he had left off. An electric guitar carried a slow 6/8 beat while what sounded like strings played quietly in the background. It was melancholy, and listening to the first half of the song on his way to the bunker had made it harder, more painful, to complete his mission. As the song continued now, it took on what he felt was a sort of hopeless determination. The man who sang it--Robert Plant, Dean had informed him--began passionately singing again.  
  
_//I don’t have to go by plane... I ain’t gotta go by car… I don’t care where my darling is...People I just don’t care how far… //_  
  
As he listened, he couldn’t help but think of Dean, and what he'd told him. How much he had been worried about him, how hard he tried to find him.  
  
_//I’m gonna crawl… I’m gonna crawl...//_  
  
The corner of his lips turned up just slightly into a very small, fond smile at the bittersweet feeling that these lyrics suited him. Suited his dogged obstinacy to make sure those he cared about were alright. Safe. He had no doubt that the moment those two awoke they would resolve to find him again, to try and convince him and Kelly to let them make her baby human.  
  
He frowned as part of the lyrics caught his attention again.  
  
_//Yes I love her, I guess I love her, yes I love her//_  
  
He wondered about the meaning these songs might hold for Dean, and what meaning they might have in being compiled like this and given to him.  
  
_//I’m gonna crawl...//_  
  
The strings faded as the song finished and shortly, interrupting Cas’ thoughts, the truck was filled with the sounds of drums. Electric guitar followed, playing a more carefree melody to a relaxed and steady rhythm. He was glad for the change in atmosphere, for a break in thinking about how Dean would be taking this.  
  
_//oh oh oh oh oh oh//_  
  
It sounded uplifting. He wondered what this song would be about.  
  
_//You don’t have to go oh oh oh oh oh//_  
  
Oh.  
  
_//You don’t have to go oh oh oh oh oh//_ __  
  
Of course.  
  
_//You don’t have to go...//_ __  
  
It now felt as if Dean were speaking directly to him through the lyrics of the music. Like it was one of his many prayers, asking--sometimes pleading--for him to come back.  
  
_//Ay ay ay ay ay ay… All those tears I cry ay ay ay ay...//_  
  
He wondered if his absences ever caused Dean to cry. He was certain they caused him and Sam concern. They’d both told him as much. It upset them--and in particular, Dean.  
  
_//All those tears I cry oh oh ay ay...//_  
  
But crying?  He wouldn’t have imagined it.  
  
_//Baby please don’t go...//_  
  
He didn’t want to imagine it.  
  
_//When I read the letter you wrote me, it made me mad mad mad//_  
  
As the song continued, he became positive that it was deliberately put on the tape in response to times like this, what he was confronted about in Dean’s room.  
  
_//When I read the words that it told me, it made me sad sad sad//_ __  
  
And he understood that. He didn’t _want_ to leave them, he _never_ wanted to. He _had_ to. If they--if Dean would just understand--  
  
_//But I still love you so… I can’t let you go...//_  
  
His grip tightened on the wheel as those lines played and his mind flashed back to the times Dean had risked his life for Cas’ own, to make sure he’d stay with him, that Dean wouldn’t lose him. In Purgatory… When Ishim had been poised to kill him… Instead of making an escape from Ramiel even after one was offered in exchange for leaving Cas behind...  
  
_//Mm I love you… ooh baby I love you//_  
  
Cas’ breath caught in his throat. Hearing that, for him, it might as well have been Dean himself saying those words to him, in return of Cas having said them to him back in the barn, when he had been dying from the poison from Michael’s lance. They had never really addressed it, and he hadn’t really expected them to. He had assumed, like many other things, it would be an uncomfortable subject for Dean to discuss directly. So maybe this tape was his way of “talking” about them with Cas, of telling him how he feels. Telling him that he…  
  
His heart began to ache, and he felt a painful longing swell in his chest. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, and though he knew better, for just a fraction of a second he hoped it was Dean’s.  
  
“Thank you, Castiel,” Kelly said softly, as Cas looked between her and her hand. “I know it must be… it can’t be easy for you, to leave your friends like that.”  
  
“Family,” Cas corrected, “That’s… what they are to me…”  
  
He hoped they still saw him the same way. Hoped that the “still” he heard in the lyrics could apply even now.  
  
“I’m sorry--your family...” she amended, retracting her hand. She rubbed her stomach and looked down at it briefly, then back to Cas. “He-- I think he knows… How much you love them, I mean,” she continued.  
  
He remained silent at this.  
  
“It’s the right thing to do,” she said, her voice gently reassuring.  
  
“I know,” Cas sighed. As they came to a stop at another red light, he closed his eyes briefly. He watched the vision the nephilim showed him play out in his mind’s eye again. If only they could understand… If only they could just this once trust him. He looked at the tape deck, listening to the song as it kept playing. He felt a bit of comfort creep in, as he listened to the words of the songs and what they meant to him from Dean.  
  
At least in the meantime, he had this.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this is probably something that's been written about a lot already, but I had writer's block for other things I'm working on and thought that writing this might help me get out of it. I was listening to the radio when "D'yer M'aker" started playing, and as I was listening to it I thought how appropriate it would be if it was on the mixtape Dean gave to Cas and it started playing while he was listening to it after having had to leave them again. I kind of wanted to have someone beta read it before I posted it, but I want to post it before tonight's episode (since it's a pretty late coda(?) for 12x19), and I didn't really leave enough time for that thanks to more writer's block and being busy. :\ So if there are things that sounded weird or typos or anything, that's why. :P


End file.
